


That Baby

by starwhale97, tbmd1066



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Babies, Crack, irresponsible behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 14:21:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4709144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starwhale97/pseuds/starwhale97, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbmd1066/pseuds/tbmd1066
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Ron want to go to a Halloween party in Hogsmeade. Hermione doesn't, but she figures she'd better go to keep them out of trouble. She does not succeed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Baby

October 31st in Harry's second year was the most miserable day of his life.  Until the evening, which was different.  

During potions class, he had overheard Draco babbling to his friends about some Halloween party that was going to be happening in Hogsmeade, and how all of the coolest witches and wizards in the area were going.  Harry's only experience with any sort of Halloween party had been watching through the cupboard as Dudley's friends poured in to the house in various costumes and fought over who got which candies.  When Harry suggested to Ron that they check out the Hogsmeade party, the small ginger boy was ecstatic.

"I've never been to a real party!" He said.  

Hermione had, of course, felt the need to rain on their parade.  

"You can't go to a party like that! It'll be dangerous! There will be drugs and alcohol! And sketchy people! And one of those strange contraptions that electrocutes your abs! We can't go!" Her face grew redder and redder as she spoke.

"Whats drugs and alcohol mean?" Ron asked.

"What was that about a thing that electrocutes your abs?" Harry asked with intense curiosity.

"The point is," Hermione said, "is that you better be staying safe inside Hogwarts tonight! Besides, we can't get caught sneaking out again."

"You know that you want to go!" Ron insisted.

Harry grimaced. If they didn't get going, they'd be late to the party. 

"If we're going, we'd better stop off at the hospital wing to get some emergency first-aid supplies." Hermione suggested.

"What?" Ron scrunched up his nose. "Hermione, you can't just show up to the party with a massive first-aid kit! Unless you're going as a nurse, maybe!" 

But Hermione persisted, and so off to the infirmary they went. When they got near the entrance, they were alarmed to hear bloodcurdling shrieks. The three of them immediately rushed into the possible danger without hesitation. 

"Madam Pomfrey!" Harry shouted. "Is everything alright?"

"Harry!" Madam Pomfrey shouted back. "Come help me with this!" 

Harry looked at the seventh-year student lying on one of the hospital wing beds. She was covered in sweat, and screamed intermittently. "Is she hurt?" he asked. But Madam Pomfrey didn't answer him. 

"I can see the top of his head!" she called out to the seventh-year. Harry could feel all the blood drain from his face as he realized that the girl was giving birth. 

"Oh, my God!" Harry whispered, aghast at the sight of the blood all over the hospital sheet.

"Merlin's beard!" he heard Ron say behind him. Somehow both of his friends had backed quite far away. 

"Potter!" Madam Pomfrey shouted, since there was no one else there, and she grabbed him by the collar. "Get down there!"

"What?!"

"I need you to support the baby's head while I deal with the body!"

"WHAT?!" but suddenly, there was a scream that was not coming from the older student, but from her child. Madam Pomfrey shouted to him, and all of a sudden there Harry was with a newborn infant's head resting in his hands. Madam Pomfrey shouted "PUSH" to the girl, and before long, Harry had an entire baby in his arms. Harry stared at the squirming infant. 

"I wish I had a camera!" Hermione cried.

"Harry, that's amazing!" Ron grinned. "You don't even have to worry about a costume when you're all covered in blood like that!"

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Harry said with a shrug.  "Come on, let's get going.  We don't want to be late to our first Halloween party!"

"So how are we going to sneak out?" Hermione asked.  They thought for a while, but they didn't have any solid ideas.  

"Whatever, this party is going to be so turnt, it won't matter how we get there!" Ron declared as he launched a cauldron at one of the nearby stained glass windows.  It shattered, and they climbed down from there and began to walk towards Hogsmeade.  The sun had almost set, and there was an eerie orange glow on the world around them.  They walked past some bushes which began to shudder furiously.  A disgruntled old witch stumbled out and fell flat on the ground in front of the children.

"Oh my!" Hermione exclaimed.  "Are you okay?" 

The witch did not answer, but slowly stood up.  A harsh wind ripped by, and her long black hair seemed to swirl around the children.

"You kids on your way to the party?" She asked.

They all nodded with some reluctance.  

The witch smiled.  "I'll walk with you.  Then I can tell you all about my sex life on the way there.  Then we can have some fun when we get to the party, eh? My name is Helga, by the way."

"Whats sex?" Ron asked.

"Don't worry about it." Harry interrupted.  "I don't care, as long as you don't slow us down.  I want to get to the party already!"

"We're only a few minutes away." Helga said.  "We have plenty of time for me to go into _great_ detail about the things I've done.  And the things I'm going to do tonight."  She cackled loudly.

"Tell us!" Hermione demanded. Harry pulled the baby closer to his chest, away from the woman.

Helga chuckled darkly. "I..." she said slowly, with a sick grin. "Am the president of the Make-A-Wish Foundation."

Harry blinked. "Wait, that's not a bad thing."

"No," Hermione said. "The Make-A-Wish Foundation is a great organization."

"I know." Helga nodded. "But one of the things we do most is trips to Disney World." Hermione's eyes widened in realization. "We pump so much money into Disney, and they continue to be a highly capitalist organization!"

Harry gasped and covered the baby's ears. Hermione practically growled. "That's disgusting!" she shouted. "Exploiting sick children, and supporting capitalism!!! How could you!?"

Ron was a normal wizard twelve-year-old. He didn't know anything about the muggle world class system. He just wanted to get to the Halloween costume party. But if Hermione and Harry wanted to fight this creepy old lady, he'd be okay with that. He raised his wand to fight.

That was when Hermione got an idea.  She recalled something she had read about necromancy once.  She pointed her wand towards the ground and uttered a spell too terrible to write here.  A black streak of magic bolted out and shot into the ground.  For a few moments, all was still.  Then, seven spooky scary skeletons climbed their way up from underground.  The corpses all turned to face Hermione, and then bowed in unison.

"Fucking sweet!" Harry said.

Hermione raised her wand.  "Destroy the old lady!" She screeched.  

They all obeyed, and began to charge at her.  All except one.  One corpse raised his hand.  "W-wait!" He called weakly.

"Could it be--Thomas?" She asked.  The skeleton nodded.

"We were once friends."  He explained to Hermione.  "Friends with benefits."

"Whats that mean?" Ron asked.

"It means we had sex without any commitment." The skeleton replied bluntly. 

Ron crossed his arms, frustrated.  "Would somebody just tell me what sex is?!?"

Before anyone could, the other skeletons returned to their task of ripping the old lady to shreds.  Thomas tried to stop them and was trampled in the process.  With the old lady dead and their job completed, the skeletons collapsed to the ground.  

The trio began to walk again and, finally, they arrived at the party.  It was in a large old mansion.  Inside, they could hear loud music, conversation, and the occasional scream.  

"I'm a bit nervous to go in now that we're here, if I'm honest." Ron admitted.

"Listen, Ron, you look great." Harry assured him. "Look at me, I'm covered in someone else's blood, and we've kidnapped a baby? What else that's worse could happen?"

Ron nodded. "You're right, Harry." he said. "We should probably turn back and return the baby."

"No," Harry said. "This is mine now. Let's go in." he nudged the door open and slid in past Ron. He and Hermione followed close behind.

The place was hopping. Bright lights flashed red and blue and green while ghosts and skeletons milled around the wizards, who were all dressed incredibly, having used their magic to make themselves look like all manner of horrifying creatures.

"Nice baby, Harry." said someone dressed as a minion. It was Lee Jordan. "But be careful of the dance floor. Under all the red tiles are land mines."

"Why are there land mines on the dance floor?" Hermione asked, bewildered. 

"It was the skeleton's idea. They're all World War II vets, but in hindsight, we probably shouldn't have listened to them."

Everyone nodded in agreement. 

"Anyways, just be patient with them." Lee said, gesturing to the skeletons, who were all skulking at the edges of the room. "They all still think they're in battle, so... yeah, be careful." then with a cheerful wave, he was off.

They approached the skeletons slowly.  "So what are your hobbies?" Hermione asked. 

One skeleton glared intensely at her.  "Agriculture, not like you kids would know anything about that." He hissed.  

The trio backed away slowly.  "Oh look, they've got punch!" Ron declared and ran off to try some.

Harry noticed an unusually large and hairy man standing towards the back in a giant pumpkin costume.  "Hagrid!" He gasped.  

"Don't let him see us!" Hermione squeaked.

"He isn't going to tattle."  Harry reasoned, and approached his friend.  "Hagrid! How's it going?" 

Hagrid turned bright red.  "H-Harry! Hermione! What are you two doing here? Is the ginger one with you?"

Harry nodded.  "He went to go get some punch."

"Oh no, that's bad." Hagrid replied.  "Somebody spiked it earlier!  God knows what they spiked it with... You can't let him drink that! Poor boy can barely hold his pumpkin juice!"

"Ron isn't a baby!" Harry replied, then paused.  "Actually, he kind of is.  This will be good for him.  Help him learn to build up a tolerance to drinking, that sort of thing."

"If that's your logic," Hermione chided, "Then why don't you let your ACTUAL baby drink?"

Harry gasped in horror. "How dare you." he said, pulling the baby closer.

"Hermione, I kind of _want_ a drink." Ron said. "We've had a very trying day."

Hermione rolled her eyes, and continued to berate Harry. "You know, you should at least give the baby a name, if you're not going to return it."

Harry nodded, and looked around briefly for inspiration. "Umm... what about Tequila?"

Ron laughed. "That sounds like a girl's name." he said. "The baby is a boy, right?"

"Yeah." Harry said. "What about... Vodka?"

"Harry, take this seriously!" Hermione chided.

"Sorry, sorry..." There was a loud sound of explosion behind them. Someone had stepped on a land mine. "Uh-oh." said Harry.

"Who was that!?" Ron shouted with concern.

"Malfoy!" Fred shouted back from the other side of the room.

"Okay, thanks!" Ron shouted. Harry was stunned! Malfoy, dead? All because of a WWII land mine?

"We shall name the baby Draco, in his honour." Harry stated.

"Harry," Hermione said. "You  _hated_ Malfoy. You can't just name babies after people because they had tragic deaths."

"Too late." Harry said. He looked down at little Draco Jr. He pressed a kiss to the baby's forehead.

"So can I have a drink?" Ron asked. 

Hermione sighed. "Such is the folly of man." she murmured. 

Ron had a drink.

"This is great!" Ron shouted. "Soon I'll be able to deal with the constant terror of stepping on a land mine!" 

Ron did eleven shots in one go and passed out.

When he finally woke up the next morning, he was in the middle of the street.  Groggy and extremely hungover, he rolled himself to Honeydukes and explained the situation to the manager, who laughed at him.  

"I'll send for someone to come get you, but boy are you stupid kid!" He howled.  Ron groaned.  

He waited there for a while, and then McGonagall came to get him.  On the entire way back, she lectured him on his poor choices.  He couldn't wait to get back to the school and have Harry and Hermione back him up.  When they were questioned, however, they insisted that they had never left the school the night before and that Ron had been acting strangely and talking about wanting to go to some awful party.  

Ron didn't talk to them for a few days after that.

THE END

 

**Author's Note:**

> Cards used for this trainwreck:  
> That thing that electrocutes your abs.  
> The miracle of childbirth  
> My sex life  
> The Make-A-Wish Foundation  
> Friends with benefits  
> Land mines  
> Agriculture  
> The folly of man


End file.
